Crown N Chaos

The Great Egg Heist

Morning, Chaos Army. Hope you’ve got some spare change lying around because your Grand Slam just got a price bump. Denny’s is tacking on an egg surcharge, and thanks to a bird flu outbreak, eggs are now one step away from being sold on the black market next to vintage vinyl and bootleg concert tees. But don’t freak out yet—Turkey (the country, not the bird) is swooping in with 33 million pounds of eggs to keep your breakfast dreams alive. Omelets are safe… for now.

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MARKETS: STILL A HOT MESS

• Nasdaq: 19,286.93 (-1.21%)

• S&P 500: 5,983.25 (-0.50%)

• Dow: 43,461.21 (+0.08%)

• Bitcoin: $93,356.18 (-2.45%)

• Palantir: $90.68 (-10.53%)

What it means:

• Stocks are flopping harder than a failed stage dive.

• Bitcoin is crying in the corner.

• Palantir investors are wondering if they should’ve just bought more concert tickets instead.

TECH: APPLE TRIES TO BUY AMERICA’S LOVE

Apple just announced a casual $500 billion investment in the U.S. economy over the next four years. That means:

• $10 billion for domestic semiconductor manufacturing.

• 20,000 new jobs in research, AI, and chip engineering.

• A new Apple academy in Detroit to train workers.

This all dropped right after Tim Cook had a little chat with President Trump. Coincidence? Probably not. Apple’s trying to dodge new tariffs, but hey, if it means more jobs and less outsourcing, maybe we’ll let them take a victory lap.

WORLD: TOUR DE CHAOS

• Trump backs Musk’s “email or you’re fired” plan. Federal workers were told to respond to a vague email about their weekly tasks or be considered resigned. Musk then gave them a second chance at the “president’s discretion.” Sounds like a corporate Hunger Games.

• Starbucks just fired 1,100 corporate employees. The coffee giant is axing positions to “streamline operations” while also cutting low-selling drinks like white hot chocolate. Tragic news for the six people who still order that.

• U.S. clashes with Europe over a UN Ukraine resolution. The U.S. backed a chill resolution instead of one condemning Russia, sparking diplomatic drama. Meanwhile, negotiations continue over U.S. access to Ukraine’s mineral resources in exchange for military aid.

LEGAL: GREENPEACE VS. BIG OIL – A $300 MILLION SHOWDOWN

Energy Transfer Partners, the company behind the Dakota Access Pipeline, is suing Greenpeace for $300 million, claiming they trespassed and hurt its business by supporting pipeline protests. If Greenpeace loses, it could bankrupt them.

Critics are calling it a SLAPP lawsuit, aka a corporate power move to silence activism. Energy Transfer denies that and insists Greenpeace broke the law. The trial’s happening in North Dakota—one of 15 states that doesn’t have laws protecting against SLAPP suits. Coincidence? Again… probably not.

MEDIA: ANCHORS AWAY

Lester Holt is stepping down as anchor of NBC Nightly News after almost a decade. He’ll be moving to Dateline full-time, which means fewer serious monologues and more mysterious disappearances in small-town America.

NBC hasn’t named a successor yet, but they better pick someone good—especially since TV news keeps losing stars. In the past few months:

• Joy Reid was let go from MSNBC.

• Norah O’Donnell ditched CBS Evening News.

• Chris Wallace, Chuck Todd, and Hoda Kotb all made exits.

If this keeps up, TikTok influencers will be anchoring the nightly news by 2026.

STAT OF THE DAY: THE RICH ARE STILL SPENDING LIKE ROCKSTARS

The top 10% of U.S. earners (aka, those making over $250K a year) are responsible for nearly 50% of all spending. That’s the highest percentage since 1989.

While the rest of us are budgeting groceries like it’s a survival horror game, the wealthy are dropping cash on luxury items like it’s their full-time job. If they stop, the whole economy might take a nosedive. So, uh… keep buying those private jets, I guess?

WHAT ELSE IS BREWING?

• Elizabeth Holmes’s fraud conviction was upheld. The Theranos founder’s Hail Mary appeal flopped.

• Dan Bongino is now the FBI’s deputy director. The conservative podcaster and former Secret Service agent just got a big promotion.

• Robinhood is off the SEC’s crypto hit list. The regulator dropped its investigation into Robinhood’s crypto unit.

• Anthropic just released a new AI model. They’re also reportedly raising $3.5 billion, valuing them at $61.5 billion.

• Roberta Flack has passed away at 88. The legendary singer behind Killing Me Softly leaves behind a timeless legacy.

That’s your daily dose of Crown N Chaos. Now go forth and raise hell (responsibly).

— Rock King Bobby D