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Presented by the fine folks who bring you controlled chaos, unsolicited opinions, and rock ‘n’ roll-fueled sarcasm.
—Your Chaos Crew: RK Bobby D, ApocalypseChef from the kitchen, Peggy from Hr, Laura from Design, Red from the Chatboards and Ninja from Imaging.
ASTEROID WATCH: WE LIVE TO ROCK ANOTHER DAY
Remember that space rock scientists were nervously side-eyeing earlier this month? Turns out, not today, Satan. NASA downgraded asteroid 2024 YR4’s chances of smashing into Earth in 2032 to 0.0017%, down from 3%.
Great news for the planet! Not-so-great news for those of you who were hoping to avoid another unnecessary Disney live-action remake. Because now, instead of an extinction-level event, we get a Timon and Pumbaa origin story. Fantastic.
MARKETS: SLIDE, BABY, SLIDE
Nasdaq: 19,026.39 (-1.35%)
S&P 500: 5,955.25 (-0.47%)
Dow: 43,621.16 (+0.37%)
Bitcoin: $88,085.07 (-5.98%)
Krispy Kreme: $7.13 (-21.91%) – Yeah, that one hurts.
Wall Street is having a full-blown anxiety attack over inflation, sending stocks and crypto tumbling. Meanwhile, Krispy Kreme took a nosedive after a cyberattack disrupted online orders. That’s right—hackers are now coming for our donuts. Absolutely barbaric.
RUSSIA TO U.S. COMPANIES: "U UP?"
Three years after getting ghosted, Russia is now trying to booty-call American businesses back into its economic mess. With Trump and Putin playing nice this month, Russia is dangling business opportunities—aka the chance to have your assets "politely borrowed" by the Russian government again.
A few fun facts for the brave souls considering it:
The last batch of companies who left in 2022 lost $324 billion.
Even if sanctions lift, there's zero guarantee this toxic situationship won't implode again.
Local Russian businesses have already moved in on the abandoned turf, and good luck competing with a government that rewrites the rules whenever it wants.
Translation: If you had your wallet stolen at a party, would you go back to that same party with cash sticking out of your pockets? Didn’t think so.
CONSUMERS: VIBES ARE OFF
Americans’ confidence in the economy just tanked to its lowest level since June. Inflation, tariffs, and the labor market are all in the anxiety stew, with Trump’s proposed trade taxes threatening to make things even worse.
Meanwhile, the economy itself is technically still growing, which is like saying the Titanic was technically still floating—right up until it wasn’t.
R.I.P. PARTY CITY: WHERE WILL WE GET GIANT BALLOON NUMBERS NOW?
After almost 40 years of supplying birthday parties and regret-fueled Halloween costumes, Party City is officially dead.
Despite erasing $1 billion in debt in 2023, the company still had an $800 million problem that couldn’t be covered with confetti and discount piñatas. Now, about 800 stores are being picked apart for real estate scraps:
Dollar Tree & Five Below are swooping in for the good spots.
29 locations will remain open as independent stores, because someone, somewhere, still believes in bulk balloon sales.
The retail apocalypse continues. Joann Fabrics is on its way out too, which means 15,000 more stores are expected to close this year. If Hobby Lobby goes next, we riot.
FYRE FEST 2: THE SCAM RETURNS
Billy McFarland—yes, the guy who turned Fyre Fest into a Lord of the Flies reboot—is back. And guess what? People are actually buying tickets to Fyre Festival 2.
The event, set for May 30 - June 2 in Mexico, has:
No lineup.
Ticket prices starting at $1,400, with VIP packages hitting $1.1 million (not a typo).
The promise of “adventures” and “experiences,” because if there's one thing Fyre Fest 1 delivered, it was an experience.
McFarland swears it’ll be different this time. He’s hired an actual festival operator, outsourced logistics, and—most shockingly—started wearing glasses. Clearly, that means he’s turned his life around.
NEWS SPEED ROUND: THINGS ARE HAPPENING
Apple shareholders just rejected an attempt to kill the company’s diversity initiatives. But expect “adjustments.”
Unilever's CEO is getting the boot after less than two years on the job. Tough crowd.
Tesla sales in Europe fell 45% in January. Turns out, not everyone loves an X rebrand and political rants.
Egypt’s $1B antiquities museum is finally opening July 3, after two decades of construction.
A Southwest Airlines flight almost played bumper cars with a private jet in Chicago. Because air travel isn't chaotic enough already.
TODAY'S CHAOS RECOMMENDATIONS
Read: Most of the books nominated for the International Booker Prize are under 200 pages. Because we know your attention span is toast.
Watch: Severance trivia on Jeopardy! For the hardcore fans.
Unplug: Science says taking even a short break from your phone can boost your mood. Wild concept.
AND THAT'S A WRAP, CHAOS ARMY
Congrats, you survived another issue. Your reward? A front-row seat to the never-ending circus of world events. If you’re not following the show on TikTok, Pandora, Apple Music, Amazon Music, and Spotify, then what are you even doing with your life?
Catch you on the Rock King Power Lunch at 11 a.m. CST and the Rock King Radio Show at 6 p.m. CST. Until then—keep it loud, keep it chaotic, and for the love of rock ‘n’ roll, don’t buy Fyre Fest tickets.
-- Bobby D
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