- Crown N Choas
- Posts
- Crown & Chaos
February 15, 2025
PRESENTED BY: Rock 105.7 - Because the only thing louder than our music is our sarcasm.
GOOD MORNING, CHAOS ARMY.
Turns out, whether you’re running a Fortune 500 company or a criminal empire, the biggest problem these days is Gen Z workers not wanting to die for their jobs. The alleged head honcho of the Cosa Nostra, Giancarlo Romano, was caught whining about today’s recruits, calling them “miserable” and lamenting how the mafia just doesn’t have the same grip it did back in The Godfather days. Maybe if he started offering remote work and better Wi-Fi, he’d have more luck.
Just wait until he tries dragging them into the office for a mandatory “team-building” whack job.
—The Chaos Overlords
MARKETS: CHILLING LIKE IT’S A LONG WEEKEND
• Nasdaq: 20,026.77 (+0.41%)
• S&P: 6,114.63 (-0.01%)
• Dow: 44,546.08 (-0.37%)
• 10-Year: 4.472% (-5.0 bps)
• Bitcoin: $97,257.91 (+0.80%)
• Airbnb: $161.42 (+14.45%)
The stock market took a page from your lazy three-day weekend plans—barely moving. But hey, at least Airbnb had its best day ever, proving that people will pay absurd cleaning fees just to avoid their in-laws for the holidays. CEO Brian Chesky is dreaming of turning it into the “Amazon of travel,” which hopefully means free same-day delivery on beachfront mansions.
GOVERNMENT: TRUMP WANTS TO SLASH DEFENSE SPENDING, STOCKS SCREAM IN TERROR
The Pentagon just got put on a diet, and the defense industry is clutching its pearls.
• Trump wants a nuclear weapons deal with China and Russia and aims to cut military spending in half. Bold move, considering the government’s usual budgeting strategy is “spend infinity dollars on everything.”
• Lockheed Martin: -5% (Sorry, war machine enthusiasts)
• Northrop Grumman: -7% (No new toys for you)
• RTX: -4% (Someone’s crying into their government contract)
And to add some extra chaos, Trump handed over the budget-cutting scalpel to Elon Musk and the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE—yes, seriously), meaning the military is now being run like a Tesla factory. What could go wrong? Pentagon officials are bracing for a tech bro-led purge, and honestly, we’d pay to see Musk live-tweet his way through this one.
Meanwhile, drone and AI weapon companies are throwing a party, because if there’s one thing this administration loves, it’s robots that go boom.
WORLD: CHAOS ROUNDUP
🔴 The Federal Government Is Doing Layoffs Like a Failing Tech Startup
• Trump’s “voluntary resignation program” started cutting federal workers like a bad reality TV show.
• Newbies, you’re outta here: 1,000 Veterans Affairs staff, 3,400 Forest Service employees, and 2,000 Energy Department workers got pink slips.
• HR is probably handing out severance in the form of exposure and good vibes.
🟢 TikTok Is Back… for Now
• If you were planning on selling your old iPhone with TikTok installed for $10K, bad news—it’s back in the App Store.
• The US government technically still has it banned, but they’re dragging their feet on enforcement.
• Let’s be real, Gen Z wasn’t going to let this one go without a full-blown digital uprising.
🔵 DOJ Drops Bribery Charges Against NYC’s Mayor, Prosecutors Rage Quit
• Seven Manhattan prosecutors resigned in protest after the DOJ ordered them to drop bribery charges against Mayor Eric Adams.
• The lead prosecutor left behind a mic-drop resignation letter, basically saying, “Find some other sucker to do your dirty work.”
• Honestly, it sounds like something straight out of The Sopranos.
FOOD & BEV: YOUR CHEAP DINER BREAKFAST IS NOW A LUXURY MEAL
Hope you weren’t too attached to cheap eggs and bottomless coffee because breakfast just got stupid expensive
• Eggs: $4.95/dozen (Bird flu said, “Not today.”)
• OJ: Up 90% (Citrus groves in Florida are struggling.)
• Coffee: Most expensive in 47 years (Brazil and Vietnam had one job.)
But despite the rising costs, brunch is still booming, because nothing will stop millennials and Gen Z from overpaying for avocado toast and posting about it.
STAT OF THE DAY: SHOPPING IS DROPPING
Retail sales plunged 0.9% last month, the biggest drop since March 2023. Why?
• Everyone spent their life savings at Christmas and is now pretending money isn’t real.
• The weather sucked, so nobody wanted to go outside.
• Inflation is still a thing, and people are out here debating whether to buy groceries or pay rent.
Moral of the story? Expect big, desperate Presidents’ Day sales as stores panic-sell everything they can.
NEWS QUICK HITS: CHAOS EDITION
• OpenAI to Elon Musk: “Your $97 billion offer? Hard pass.” (We assume this was delivered via passive-aggressive email.)
• Judge orders Trump to unfreeze USAID funding. The White House has five days to comply, which is plenty of time for more legal circus fun.
• Mexico vs. Google: Mexico might sue Google over renaming the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America. (Yes, this is a real thing happening.)
• VP JD Vance met with Germany’s leader. Probably just to ask how they managed to keep their economy from looking like a dumpster fire.
OUTRO: CHAOS LOVES COMPANY
That’s the chaos for today! If you survived this edition without rage-quitting life, make sure to hit that subscribe button so you don’t miss out on tomorrow’s delightful dose of news, sarcasm, and rock ‘n’ roll-fueled insanity.
Wanna support your favorite rock radio overlord? Follow Rock King Bobby D on TikTok, Facebook, Twitch, Instagram, Twitter, and Threads, or grab some sick merch from http://rockingbobbyd.com
And remember, you can’t spell Rock without the RK.
THANKS TO THE CHAOS ARMY
A huge shoutout to our amazing Fans! Your support has been the rock we lean on as we adjust our show to its new format. Thank you for sticking with us, for following along this wild ride, and for letting us be a part of your lives. You're not just an audience; you're family. Here's to more chaos, more laughs, and more rocking times together.
Your Chaos King
Bobby D
Does your friend need a dose of chaos? Forward this newsletter to them and let them join the party!
If you received this from a friend, you can sign up for all the chaos here: