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Crown & Chaos

Crown & Chaos

Rock Hard. Think Fast. Stay Loud.

Rock King Bobby D
February 24, 2025

Good morning, you beautiful disasters.

You ever wake up, look at the news, and wonder if you accidentally teleported into a season finale? Nvidia just lost $600 BILLION, and its CEO basically said, “Meh.” Meanwhile, the stock market is melting, Congress is in a slap fight over a budget, and hackers just made off with $1.4 BILLION in crypto. Somewhere, a billionaire is crying into their gold-plated lobster.

But hey, you’re here, you’re breathing, and this newsletter is free. Let’s roll.

—Rock King Bobby D

🏆 PRESENTED BY

Pretend we have sponsors. We do what we want

MARKETS: WALL STREET GOES FULL PANIC MODE

Nasdaq: 19,524.01 (-2.20%)
S&P 500: 6,013.13 (-1.71%)
Dow: 43,428.02 (-1.70%)
10-Year Treasury: 4.420% (-8.0 bps)
Bitcoin: $95,766.75 (-2.52%)
UnitedHealth: $466.42 (-7.17%)

Wall Street just took a giant nosedive because investors suddenly remembered that inflation, tariffs, and corporate greed still exist. UnitedHealth got slapped around thanks to a Justice Department investigation into its Medicare billing, and the entire Dow had its worst day of the year.

Translation? Rich people are having a bad time. Cue the world’s tiniest violin.

HEALTHCARE: SAY GOODBYE TO BUDGET OZEMPIC

If you were enjoying those off-brand Ozempic shots, bad news: the FDA just said, “Not anymore, you peasants.”

Now that the big brands (Ozempic, Wegovy) are fully stocked, companies like Hims & Hers, which were selling DIY semaglutide for cheap, have 60 to 90 days before the government kicks in their door like an 80s action hero.

Meanwhile, Novo Nordisk (Ozempic’s owner) has already filed 50+ lawsuits to squash the competition like a bug under a combat boot. The message is clear: Pay full price, or stay fat.

WORLD: HEADLINES THAT WILL RUIN YOUR DAY

Germany’s About to Vote Itself Into Chaos

Germany is voting tomorrow, and the far-right AfD is gaining ground. If they win big, the EU is about to get real uncomfortable.

Congress Pulled an All-Nighter Over a $340B Budget Fight

Senate Republicans pushed through a massive budget deal that funds Trump’s border crackdown, deportations, and extra defense spending. Democrats are about to lose their collective minds.

Apple to UK: “You Can’t Sit With Us”

The UK wanted backdoor access to iCloud encryption. Apple said, “Nah.” So now the UK doesn’t get fancy Apple encryption. Sucks to be them.

CRYPTO: COINBASE BEATS THE SEC—SOMEHOW

In a plot twist no one saw coming, the SEC just dropped its case against Coinbase. That means crypto bros everywhere are popping champagne while ex-SEC chair Gary Gensler is somewhere screaming into a pillow.

This is a huge win for crypto, and a big fat L for regulators trying to make it behave like real money. Chaos wins again.

SPORTS: MLB & ESPN BREAK UP—IT’S NOT US, IT’S YOU

After 35 years, ESPN and Major League Baseball are calling it quits after this season.
Why?

ESPN tried to lowball MLB on media rights.
MLB wasn’t thrilled with ESPN’s bare-minimum effort outside of game broadcasts.

Now, MLB is on the rebound, looking for a new media partner. ESPN? Probably filling the time slot with MORE poker.

Also, in other baseball chaos, the New York Yankees finally ditched their facial hair ban after 49 YEARS. Beards are back, baby.

STAT OF THE DAY: “LET’S JUST SINK THE DAMN THING”

The SS United States, aka the fastest ocean liner ever, is finally heading to its watery grave after 30+ years of rusting in Philly. Instead of restoring it, someone went, “Screw it, let’s make it a reef.” So now, it’s getting sunk off the Florida coast to become the world’s biggest artificial reef.

Even in death, it’s cooler than the Titanic.

WHAT ELSE IS GOING TO HELL?

Israel-Hamas ceasefire is barely holding together because of a hostage mix-up.
US home sales crashed because affording a house is now a myth.
Hackers stole $1.4 BILLION from crypto exchange Bybit. Hope they’re enjoying their new private island.
Trump just fired the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, which is not normal.
The Associated Press is suing the Trump White House for blocking it from events.
A Sri Lankan gang leader got shot in court—by an assassin disguised as a lawyer. The gun? Hidden in a hollow book.

Hollywood, take notes.

CHAOS-APPROVED PICKS

Upgrade Your Coffee Game: Get a fancy coffee scoop so your caffeine intake is measured with NASA-level precision.
Cook Like a Legend: The first known cookbook by a Black American woman is being reprinted. It’s got 100+ badass dessert recipes.
Read Something Ridiculous: Some lunatic is selling a Pokémon-shaped Flamin’ Hot Cheeto for actual money. Humanity is doomed.

That’s it for today, Chaos Army. Remember: Life’s a mosh pit—jump in or get trampled.